The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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