on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize