Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
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A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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