She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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