3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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