The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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