hotel room ftw
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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