i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
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I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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