Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize