Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
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Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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