just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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