So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
don't judge my taste in strippers
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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