I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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