If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Drake has all the answers
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
try to milk me bitch
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize