Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
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I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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