Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
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What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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