; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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