dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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