Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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