If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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