its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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