if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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