I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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