drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
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So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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