My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
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You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
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dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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