i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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