I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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