I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize