My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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