Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
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The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well I just put wine in my tea
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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