rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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