My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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