if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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