What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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