feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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