Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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