After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
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I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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