I looked at my own cervix.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
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I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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