a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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