Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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