So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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