I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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