chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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