I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
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