I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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