News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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