Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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