Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
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You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
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I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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