This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
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I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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