I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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