i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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